Aimlessly Selected Guide Entries
by ColinCeption
Summary: The title says it all really. I don't even have to be here to summarize it. I guess i'll just rest a while then. Wake me up when my services are needed again.
1. A Quick Note

_Dear Reader,_

 _You may be thinking to yourself, "Why only select a few entries from the Guide, when there are trillions of them?" and, "Why, oh why are you reading my mind? Please just stop. I feel like i'm going mad." For the first question, the answer is that your device does not contain enough data on it to handle the entire Guide, so we just aimlessly selected a few. As for the mind reading part, yes, we will stop any telepathic activity from this point forward._

 _Sincerly, The HGTTG Editors._


	2. Entry 24347329298187929

"Earth was just a small, green and blue planet that orbited a star that has not accomplished too much in it's existence. Nobody really cared or knew about the Earth, as there were other, more social planets to care about. On one particular Thursday however, the Earth was demolished by Vogons. There were only a few survivors of the incident, one of which being Ford Prefect. Ford was an researcher of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and updated the entry for Earth from "Harmless" to "Mostly Harmless". Some time after the Earth was demolished, a chunk of people actually began to care (Specifically the Nosbul people, or "Intergalactic Hipsters" as they are more commonly known (Read entry 7284610388284719 to learn more)), claiming that their primitive and generally old fashioned ways were what made it unique. Earth quickly grew into the next fashionable topic. The one problem however, was that no one knew anything else about it other than that it existed, it stopped existing when Vogons blew it up, and that it was "Mostly Harmless". After all, Earth was gone and would most likely not come back, so there wasn't much information to go off of. This realization created a untapped market potential for the Guide, since it was now essentially useless on Earth information. Therefore it was essentially useless to those who wished to learn about it. Deciding to fill this potential, the HGTTGH (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Headquarters) sent it's time travel division backwards to when the Earth was still around to find out some information on it. As soon as they sent them, an update immediately appeared in the Guide for those in the present. This entry soon became one of the most viewed ever in the Guide's existence. Those in the past however, never bothered to read it, since they would not care for sometime. Those in the future eventually stopped caring, and moved on to the entry about the Various Hairstyles of the Vergonius System (Entry 10341938471900345). Here is what the Guide says about Earth:

 _Entry 24347329298187929: Earth_

 _Earth was a small green and blue planet, located in the Western Spiral Arm of the_ Galaxy. _It's lifeforms included the dolphins, the ape-men, and most notably, the white mice. They were the most important creatures on the planet as they were responsible for it's existance. Besides it's main purpose, the Earth was responsible for other strange things in the Universe. For example, Earth was the origin planet of squash. The squash was first discovered by Dwernl Dengas and his Unnamed and Frankly Not Important Crew. They had reached the Earth around one million years ago, hoping to find a good pub, as they had been on a rather long stretch of space. Instead they found some squash and took it back on their ship. When they departed from the Earth's surface, one of the squash spoke up, saying, "Thanks mate, we've been through hell on there." Since then, squash has grown a mixed reception from the public for their involvement in the Heffolian-Ferg-Squash War. As for other achievements on the Earth's behalf, they include the following: The longest amount of time it has taken anyone to dial a phone number, (Held by Mr. Rick Stanford of Glasgow, who took 34 5/6 years to dial his girlfriend over the issue of running out of fairy cakes) the worst party ever held, (Held by James Thornton, it ended when everyone at the party spontaneously died as soon as it was announced that there would be karaoke) and the forty third most non-social planet in the galaxy. The Earth was also connected to an enormous amount of improbable coincidences, but there are so many of them, that there is simply not enough space in this entry to talk about them all._

 _P:S Dear corporate bastards at the HGTTGH, up yours for leaving us on prehistoric Earth._

 _Sincerly, The Time Travel Division._


	3. Entry 49471966619282108

_Entry 49471966619282108: The Center of The Universe_

 _The universe is big. As in really mindbogglingly big, but this has already been discussed in another entry. The point is, that is so gigantically huge, that no one really knows if there is a center point to it all. There is a guess however, which some amount of people hold as fact, since it is the closest educated guess as to where it is. This guess was the result of the apply named "Can we find where the center is?" experiment that took place two hundred and one million years ago. How it worked was that a fleet of spaceships would be launched in every direction off of the surface of the planet Zewnom. They would each measure the length of the distance travelled for as long as the measuring equipment kept working. The future scientists would then perform some math and determine what would be the center of the universe. The experiment lasted about fifteen million years, with approximately fourteen million, nine hundred ninety nine thousand, nine hundred ninety nine hundred years dedicated for measuring, and thirty four minutes to do the math (With a tea break included). The results pointed that the exact center of the universe was at the fourth barstool to the left in Jarefen's Tavern. This particular tavern was just a small family-run business in the countryside on the planet Baretheon. There really isn't anything that particular about it, other than the fact that it's the supposed center of the universe. As soon as this was announced to the intergalactic public, there was opposition to this idea. Either people believed that their beach house or condo was the center, or said that they didn't measure far enough. When the head scientist was interviewed in front of a large crowd about this very topic, he said the following to the audience: "I don't suppose any of you bloody bastards has a more accurate answer? No? Alright then, quit fussin'." For some unknown reason since then, there have not been further studies into this question. If you were to ask your local conspiracy theorist, they would tell you that Jarefen's Tavern is actually keeping all of the scientists quiet, since being the supposed center of the universe brings in some good profit. This is one of the rare occasions where conspirators don't seem raving mad._


	4. Entry 192837194

_Entry 192837194: Black Holes_

 _Black holes are just one of the strange, yet inconvenient things in the universe. They are the result of a dying star when it shrinks down onto itself, when it doesn't become a supernova or just a smaller star. The residents of Vidiok IV believed that a star would become a black hole because it didn't feel loved. They worshipped their star because of this, hoping that it would know it was loved and live a long life. There first spaceship was an unmanned vessel headed towards the star. It's only cargo being one hundred bouquets of flowers, several dozen boxes of chcolate, and a thank you note, written and signed by the Vidiok High Preists. Ironically, the star began to collapse when the ship was fifty five meters away from it. It would then become a black hole and destroy it's system, Vidiok IV included. When one enters a black hole on their own, they immediately get stretched and torn apart in the worst way imaginable. The exact same thing will still happen to you if you go in a normal spaceship, only with more metal. The only spaceship that can survive a black hole is an Indestructible Jankaan Cruiser 4500, in which case will be able to enter it. Whoever is inside however, will still die a strectchy, painful death, which is why there are no recorded entries into a black hole. Some of the most inconvenient planets to live on are the ones orbiting a black hole. Time moves much, much slower on the surface of these kinds of planets. That means that you hcould never take a job offer on another planet, because only a few hours after_ you've _been hired on surface time, you would have already lost you're job, all your coworkers would have died from old age, and the business would have closed down in regular time. It's only made worse by the fact that these kinds of planets have some of the worst economies in the universe._

 **Hope you are enjoying this so far! This is a fun project that I'll be working on. I'm going to try to post a few new chapters for this every Saturday. If you have anything to say about this, leave a review! If you have an idea for a future entry, let me know!**


	5. Entry 3654219995774562

_Entry 3654219995774562: The Space-Dwelllers_

 _The Space-Dwellers are quite the mysterious species. For one, no one knows where their origin planet is, or if they even have one. Even they don't know where they came from. If you were to ask one about it, they would just scratch their head for about seven minutes, then tell you "Eh, who really cares?". The Space-Dwellers have the ability to breathe in space, hence why they dwell there. If you were ever to find one, it would just be floating in space, minding it's own business. Their bodies are perfectly suited for this, as they are shaped in an oval fashion, with no legs and no mouth. They don't need legs because running in space is quite pointless, and they don't mouths because speaking in space is quite pointless. However, they have two arms and hands so that way they can twiddle their thumbs. If the need arises to communicate with anyone, they have telepathic abilities just for this purpose. This is why it's generally seen as stupid think about a secret near a Space-Dweller. They will "hear" it, then spill the telepathic beans on the next bloke they come across. Space-Dwellers also don't seem to need to eat or drink, yet will always ask you for a Tan-Yakol brand sandwhich. If you oblige, it will just hold onto the sandwich for dear life, and then hand it over to the next person that meets up with it. Other strange characteristics of the Space-Dwellers include but are not limited to: Playing Dargonion Chess against itself and losing, a fascination with the history of squash, applying lotion only to it's back, and impersonating former Galactic President Gyuino Therfomm._


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